The Random Truth

As I get older I start to realize that I am beginning to learn who I truly am all over again. I’ve spent most of my teenage years and beginning of young adulthood trying to protect and shield myself from things and situations thought as wrong and reckless. But I was actually building a false perception of how I thought God wanted me to be, and how He wanted me to live. What I have discovered is that all of the times I have been trying to change me to be a “better” person, and be the so called perfect person I obviously thought I could actually obtain. I was missing the whole point. I realize that I have forgotten how to live, and I merely exist.

Even to admit this fault burns a hole of hurt inside of me that I can’t quite explain or understand. Even with that hurt, I’m still not sure what I am supposed to do to learn how to live again. I honestly don’t want to spend my whole life existing and waiting for something that might not ever come. I feel like I exist in a box that I only open on special occasions to let the ones I love most come visit, and honestly I know that’s no way to live.

I’m hurting inside, and I don’t know how to fix it. For some reason I feel that God has given me outlets, but I just can’t seem to access them. So many thoughts and so many questions are in my head about myself and how I want to learn how to live again. I don’t have the answers, but I do know that I will go and try… to find them.  And, if the answers are not there or if they aren’t what I have expected, at least I would have lived trying to find them instead of just existing.